Oh, I have heard that question so many times, and I wish I had a rational answer to this question, but I don’t. The only thing I can say is that in India I feel like I’m home. There is no better explanation. Well, of course, I can say that I like the simple life. I like washing my clothes in a bucket, I like the fact that there aren’t ready-to-eat kidney beans in the shop. I like walking barefoot, and most of all I love the ocean. Oh, and of course, warm weather.
Why NOT Finland?
When I returned Finland in June 2019 after being in India for 8 months, I was confused and lost. I didn’t feel connection to this country that I had been born in. I thought if it weren’t for my family and friends, I would probably never come here anymore. I didn’t feel rooted to this country, in any way. I was looking around and wondering what is going on in this world, in this country. I have been half kiddingly saying many times that I have been born in wrong country, and in June 2019 I felt that most than ever before.
When I was maybe 15, I was looking out the window of my room, remember watching the clouds in the sky, missing something so badly it hurt. I didn't know what it was, but it was so obvious already back then that there was something to be found, something waiting for me, and it was not or would not be found in Finland.
First of all, life in India is nowhere near perfect. India can be frustrating and noisy, but it teaches patience and how to take life as it is, right now.
My best friend, who is an Indian, has asked me numerous times, why I want to settle and stay in Varkala. Why I don’t travel around in India and more importantly somewhere outside of India? First of all, in 2018 when I moved to India I just needed stability. Within less than 6 months I had quit my job, moved to the other side of the world to work and where my intention was to stay for 8 months, and after a month the earthquake changed everything. In Finland I faced an ending of over a decade long relationship, I sold everything I own and left. I just needed peace and quiet, time to gather my thoughts. I just wanted to feel rooted again. And Varkala was the place I wanted to be rooted in.
When I returned to Varkala in 2019, I felt really comfortable there. It had become my home, I felt I was slowly growing my roots in Varkala, so I really didn’t have any urge to travel somewhere else that time either. It was nice to see familiar faces at the cliff (center of the tourism in Varkala), it was also interesting to see how people who were working in my favorite restaurants saw me now, the second time around. They already knew I don’t talk to strangers, so the new friendly employees were told, that I don’t talk to strangers, kind of like, don’t try your usual speeches with her. :)
During my first year in Varkala, I was a little scared and shaky human being. I felt that it was a completely different person who returned. I still don’t speak to strangers, I'm known as someone who is listening to music and living in her own world. One person had even a nickname for me, "silent character". Well, I have to say, that this is my nature, I’m introvert, I have my own little world I am living in.
I think it was Friday 13.3. when it became official, that a tourist with corona virus has been taken to hospital from the cliff. Everything was just shut down right away. I didn’t quite know what it meant, but 24 hours later I already had my plane ticket to Finland. Everything happened so suddenly. There were people in Varkala, important people to me, I didn’t get to say goodbye to. Luckily I could say my goodbyes to my best friends and have a talk with him before I left. I left Varkala on Monday 16.3.
Trying to feel the roots
I went for a walk today. I was walking in the places of my childhood. In places that are kind of important to me. I was trying to feel my roots while walking in the woods. But I couldn’t. I was walking in my hometown, and I didn’t feel any connection to it. I felt myself like a rootless human being who has been pulled from her roots and home and put here. I felt tears rolling on my cheeks, I felt like had shrunk a bit since I got here, and it was a start of me, the real me, slowly fading away.
I am here and I am grateful to my homeland in so many ways. I am grateful for being healthy and alive. I know times are going to be really tough to many and to me as well. But still, I feel the same as that 15 years old me, looking out from the window of my room, missing something so much it hurts. Only now I know what that something is. It is my life, my roots, my home, my heart. It is India.
Love 💛 & Light 💫